Monday, 08.00am. 

I woke up to a fresh new day. Another day, to get through, but somehow different.

I look at my pillow, at the stains where the tears from last night had fallen, almost meaningless now, But sometimes a good cry is exactly what is needed. All that hurt and sadness bottled up flowing like rain drops on my pillow just a few hours ago.

Now I just felt empty. As if the poison has left my veins.

I turn on some music and jumped in the shower. Ahh the water feels so good on my skin. Swinging my hips to the music, enjoying the calmness… Anne Marie always hit the spot. Damn.. “Perfect to Me” never sounded so good!

I turned off the shower and walked over to the mirror. Looking at my face scared me, because I couldn’t recognize who was staring back at me. The fine lines, the dark circles from all the sleepless nights. The puffy eyes, eye bags from crying. Holy shit. I never realized I had let myself go to crap just because of someone else. 

“Okay now to practice my smile” EEEEEEEEE…erghh it’s been a while. I managed to muster up a fake smile, but it turned out looking like one of those toothpaste commercials. Okay, with feeling now… “Smile like you mean it”.

Now for clothes. “What screams happy?” definitely not the oversized t shirt, and the pants that keep falling down. I have lost some weight. But since when? I can’t even remember.

Next, Breakfast! I dragged my weak body over to the kitchen and flung open the fridge. The old BubbleTea cups and I had a staring contest for a good five seconds before I decided that maybe coffee sounded like a better breakfast option.

Heading out the door into the fresh air. feeling the heat of the sun, the breeze. It’s been months, weeks since I have gone out anywhere. Working, studying from home has given me the option of also hiding away from the world. 

Walking into a café for breakfast seems almost uncomfortable now, meeting people I know, having to answer to the waitress Rita on where I have been all this time. And shooting down her annoying comments that I may have gotten married…erghhh.

As I eat my first proper meal in a while I suddenly feel strength come back into my body, and also how much I freaking missed cheese, eggs, bread, FOOD! Smiling to myself as I bite into my sandwiches. 

Okay, Now for the hard part. going to class, meeting my friends that I haven’t seen or talked to since…..well since I started ignoring everyone. shutting out anyone and everyone who just wanted to help or even listen to me. But how can you explain something that you-yourself even don’t know how to explain? Well after months of trying to figure that part out I’m finally ready to talk…to anyone who would listen.

The classroom was empty as I walked in, the sounds, the smell. bringing back so many memories…

“Amaya?” Is that you? a all too familiar voice came from behind me. I turned around to see Michelle. My best friend, standing there like she has just seen a ghost. The widest smile just flashed across my face and tears were almost instant. 

“Well aren’t you gonna give me a hug silly?” I said.  She just smiled and replied “Like I was waiting for you to ask idiot!!”

“This goes out to anyone who has gone through depression, sadness, heart break. and somehow managed to pick themselves up and get through it. We all fall sometimes, and it’s okay. What matters is that we don’t stay fallen. At some point in time, our strength will make progress through the pain.” 

With love Christina C.