I bullied.

Trigger warning – bullying, suicide.

And the walls closed in on me, it was like as though the proceedings of one day kept playing on loop, a vicious cycle with no end to it as the voices in my head grew louder, I could hear snobby Jessica from school calling me a loser as I walked to my locker, I could hear arrogant Matt commenting about my ragged clothes, telling me I’m a waste of space, I could hear my parents calling me useless and telling me I need to learn from my sister. Their laughter echoed in my head, I could picture the looks of disappointment, cocky smirks, know-it-all grins which had become constants on those faces I blankly stared at day after day. Until, I found my outlet.

Hidden behind a keyboard, masked underneath a fake Identity I found a world I could manipulate. So when I saw that girl posting a tiktok she put alot of effort into, I called her a slut. When I saw her sharing a photo with her sister – two genuine smiles adorning their faces, I called them fake. When I saw her latest post – a charity drive, I openly declared that she was only seeking attention. And when I saw my hatred poisoning the core of her existence as she cried out in protest of what we term as #CyberBullying, I felt powerful. I had the ability to make an impact. The impact had been made. My superiority complex had been fed and that drove me to do more, to do worse.

So I continued, misunderstood my cowardice as power, hid behind a screen, spread hate as much as I could, made people feel bad about themselves, made them feel as though THEY were a waste of space, and then became numb. The sneers and jeers were easier to ignore now, the unsolicited comments had grown on me, nothing seemed to affect me anymore and I thrived off it.

I invested more time spreading hatred online than I did on myself, maybe then I could have developed the self love I needed to progress, but to no avail. Until one day, the local news hit me like a tonne of bricks, a 16 year old no more, what’s the reason? She was bullied online.

A deep sense of fear instilled in me, a chill that got me having goosebumps on my goosebumps. It is a serious issue, it can lead to death. These words swirled in my head until I could hear voices once more, except this time it was filled with vicious, venomous words, words that I had spoken out into existence, to people I barely knew.

I bullied, I wanted to inflict pain on others, wished they would see life from my perspective, experience being me for a day, for once, I wanted to be not on the receiving end and so I bullied until eventually I was disgusted with myself. Disappointed that I was able to do this to someone, to hurt them for no reason.

So I deleted my account, created a new one, started a fresh chapter, it’s nice to be nice titled in bold on my Instagram bio as I supported every creator I saw, spread love and happiness. My ugly words were now swapped with words of encouragement. I drew inspiration from the work that was put in by so many others on multiple online platforms, focused all that energy on becoming better and beamed everytime I saw someone supporting my work and hence, I overcame. Quite possibly, in the best way there was as I saw a whole new chapter of positivity on social media unfold before me.

Written by Aarefa Shiraz

Note – alot of things do not require having to relate to something in order to truly understand it. I would like to let all my readers know that this is purely a work of fiction and a perspective that was penned down. I am in no way defending bullies, just highlighting their thought process through this narrative!
Thank you and much love ❤️