“I now stop 

and greet

my reflection

instead of looking

past the girl

in the mirror.

All she ever wanted

Was her own love”

• Jeanne Cecilia 

All these quotes about loving yourself; what does loving yourself mean?

Self-love is romanticized as taking bubble baths, doing a face mask,  lighting scented candles, enjoying a cup of coffee while reading your favorite book, going for a jog, finding clothes you like, treating yourself to a spa day, and good food.

But in reality, self-love isn’t all about just pampering yourself. So what is self-love? Is it looking in the mirror to see anything except a blemish? Is it feeling confident in where you are in life? Is it speaking kindly to yourself and others, being aware enough to enforce your boundaries?

The truth is, self-love is not just a pretty physical process. It includes deeper analysis and acceptance of who you are as a person, your flaws, your weaknesses but also your strengths and attributes. Acceptance of the reality of the person you truly are is the first step in starting to love yourself.  But is there a way to really and truly love ourselves 100%? Maybe, maybe not. While we can be slightly (even more than slightly) judgmental about others occasionally, many of us have ourselves as our own worst critics. In fact, when we judge others and scrutinize their behavior, more often than not this occurs because you identify those traits in your behavior towards yourself.

There is a saying that those who have known and felt darkness can go either one of two ways: dwelling in the darkness with no attempt to change or spreading the light they wish had shined on them. If I’m being completely honest, this process of loving yourself can be awfully long and agonizing at times. There are days where I would laugh senseless with my friends only to be able to barely muster a smile the next day. Feelings of bitterness and frustrations about the person I’ve become are prominent on the days I feel consumed by my own darkness. In those moments I question my whole identity- who I truly am.

Have I found a solution for the thoughts and the pit of darkness I find myself in? Not entirely. But I am reminding myself that despite the grueling process, I have the choice to allow something beautiful to grow from it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow — but I’ll get there one day.

Moving on from all that despair, here are some tips I found useful in accepting who I am while being open to change:

• Be gentle with yourself

We’re always setting higher standards for ourselves in comparison to the standards we set for other. Often beating up ourselves for not being able to achieve something by a certain age, not being able to secure that win, not being able to top that class – the list goes on forever when it comes to criticizing ourselves. Instead, if only we were more gentle with ourselves, being more forgiving for not knowing better at that time, for not being strong enough or just plain enough at that time. Forgiving yourself for the survival patterns you’ve picked up while dealing with trauma is important. However, it is also important to be open to change the traits that have been toxic to yourself and others. 

• Avoid comparison

The most amount of comparison occurs through social media. To be completely upfront, social media fosters insecurity. “This person just bought a new phone, hey look he graduated with a first class, look at them always going out and having fun, look at her clear glowing skin etc” all this leads to an endless cycle of comparison while you sit at home trying to find a reason as to why you’re not enough.  There are so many people out there who expressively state that ‘social media is a highlight reel of their life’ while going on to post only face tuned pictures, constant celebrations leaving out anything and everything that may point at them having an ‘ordinary’ life. When you constantly compare yourself to others through their ‘highlight reel’ you have to realize its just that. A highlight reel. This is why it is so important to be real on social media. So many people get lost in a reality that doesn’t exist, obsessively chasing a life that is unattainable isn’t realistic. 

• Be open to change rather than staying broken

Most of us find it easier to stay broken rather than driving towards change. In really tackling our mental health, many have shared that there is a struggle to take the effort to make changes — for change requires greater effort in comparison to festering in the problem. It was easier to just adapt around the mirror because we already bought it, rather than needing to buy another mirror and admitting we screwed up with our purchase.
Sometimes what doesn’t kill you gives you a lot of unhealthy coping mechanisms and a really dark sense of humor. However, you are only stuck in that version of you if you allow yourself to be. Yes, you are used to act or be a certain way because these have helped you in the past. But the reason why you find yourself being unable to move forward is because you keep applying the same old formula to a new level in your life. Be unafraid to change this formula from your past to get you a different result in the future.

One day I hope you will be accepting of the person you are becoming and learn to love yourself unconditionally. I’ll end this rant with an extract I came across, one that managed to completely change my perspective of my image, body and just loving myself in general.

“One day I will die, and I won’t be there to see my funeral, but there are some things that I’m pretty sure of. No one will stand at the front and say, ‘I miss the cut and color of her hair and the way it fell upon her shoulders.’ No one will reflect on my height or weight or the size of my hips or my waist. No one will mention the texture of my skin. No one will laugh or cry remembering the whiteness level of my teeth. I know this because when I think of the people I love; those are the last things that come to my mind. Instead I think of patience, and kindness and humor and wisdom and cosmic capacities for grace. I think of memories where I forget what anyone was wearing, but I still feel the smile that was on my face. I’m guilty of getting it backwards and feeling as if the way I look is meant to be the most meaningful and interesting part of me. But I will keep coming back to the truth; those things that make days, and change lives and spread that good light- those are the things my mirror will never be able to reflect.” – Sophie Diener

By Kavindi Abeysundara