If Only I’d Known

*Trigger Warning* 

Confusion – 

Creamy-beige walls, coloured up with flowers, wooden chairs painted white and baby-pink satin curtains. Lilies, marigolds, white roses and daisies, the cool air carried the floral scents. I felt like time had stopped. Trapped within a painting, I couldn’t move. People came and went. They greeted me, offered me their condolences and left. I couldn’t recall much of it. It all seemed to brush by me like the swift November breeze. The room seemed to fade, and come back to me like the light strokes of a painting. A painting I’d never seen, but felt an odd sense of déjà vu for. It all seemed so foreign. I didn’t recognize anyone, their faces nor their voices seemed familiar. A total blur.

I was at a funeral home. 

Disbelief – 

“We’re so sorry for your loss Madeline”, Vanessa cried, embracing me. 

I didn’t understand. 

She pulled back and leaned against her husband, “She was so young”. 

There was no way. 

“Lia was a sweet girl” 

Vanessa was wrong. She’d gotten it all wrong. 

“She is a sweet girl” I corrected, standing tall and firm in my position.  

“Oh Madeline” Vanessa began to wheap, “she’s dead”. 

“What do you mean she’s dead? Shut up Vanessa.” my voice grew weaker, “Shut up. My daughter’s not dead” 

Lia wasn’t dead. Lia wasn’t dead. Lia wasn’t dead.

My Lia smiled up at me. She wore the baby-pink knee length dress I’d stitched for her 16th birthday. She’d asked me to allow her to wear the dress before her birthday, and I had agreed. She wore her favourite silver charm bracelet and my pink-shaded pearl drop earrings.

Derek approached me, “calm down Maddie”.

“She’s not dead. My baby is not dead” I yelled out. They’d all gotten it wrong. My daughter was alive and well. 

“Madeleine calm down” my husband repeated. 

I pushed off Derek’s arms, and peered into the beige casket sitting in the middle of the room. 

This isn’t right. My Lia lay inside the casket, surrounded by white silk frills and flowers, she looked like a doll. Her full rosy face now pale and gaunt, she didn’t look like herself. Her warm skin felt cold, sending chilly stings of pain through me, as I cupped her small face within my shivering hands. Oh my baby, she felt fragile and cold. 

“Why isn’t she warm? Someone please help. Derek give me a blanket.” I commanded, cradling Lia’s heart-shaped face. 

“Maddie please…” he attempted, holding his tears back, as he nudged me away. 

“Why isn’t she warm? Why isn’t she warm? Please help”. 

My baby wore her baby-pink dress, silver charm bracelet and pink-shaded pearl drop earrings. My baby was dolled up, power, blush and lipstick covering her porcelain face. Oh how pretty she looked. She’d been waiting to try the dress on. Lia had helped me pick out the fabric and we’d designed it together. She was so excited to turn 16. How could this happen? This was wrong. My baby wasn’t supposed to be lying inside the casket. 

“She’s still alive” I insisted, “She’s still alive…Please Derek, she’s still alive.” I begged my husband, as he pulled me away. 

“Madeleine please… please just stop” Derek choked out, tears overshadowing his eyes. 

“She’s going to be 16 in a week” I announced, gleaming at all the guests. “We planned it all out. We’re throwing her a big party. Lia’s going to be so happy”. 

Denial –

Lia is my baby. Soft-spoken, kind and polite, she keeps to herself. She is bubbly and friendly, and she is caring. She is beautiful and patient. She loves me dearly. 

Lia loves me. 

“Madeleine, you are in denial” Derek said, as he drove us back home. I continued to ignore him. 

“our daughter…” he began, glancing at me as he turned into our driveway, “Maddie, Lia

..she took her…”. 

“Shut up. My daughter is not dead” I said sternly. I had no intention of giving up. What mother would give up on her child. Lia was still alive. They were all lying. They were all just lying.

“Maddie, please” Derek started, as he parked the vehicle, “I understand that you’re grieving. And it’s okay to take as much time as you need”, Derek tried explaining.

“What is the matter with you? How can you just say it’s okay? Our daughter is… is dead” my voice trembled, as the walls of my throat began to tighten. 

I turned towards him, and searched his face, “Derek…”. 

He looked at me, and inches closer, “I know it’s tough. But you have to come to terms with it”.

“Come to terms with it? Lia is a good kid.” I yelled back, pushing him away from me, “she’d never do this”.

“Maddie, you can’t just ignore the truth. Lia killed herself”, he snapped back, gritting his teeth as he brushed his hair back in frustration.  

That’s when I felt it. The foul taste of bile flooded my parched throat, as the walls grew thinner and thinner, closer together. I felt the pang of guilt shrink my insides. My stomach shrank and I felt my lungs cry out in unbearable pain. I pushed open the door, and threw up in our driveway. My knees hit the rough dusty ground below me, and I felt the skin of my palms get scraped against the grey stones underneath. 

Anger – 

I couldn’t sleep that night. I couldn’t bring myself to eat dinner. I found myself going into her room. 9:50, 10:15, 10:28, 10:36, 10:45, 11:02. I went into her room to check if she was tucked in properly. To check if the windows were closed. To check if she was cold. My baby didn’t like the cold. 

“Let me do your nails” Lia offered, taking my hand as she coloured them lavender.

“This looks so pretty” I admired. 

“I knew you’d like it mum” Lia cheered up, tilting her head to the side, as she smiled at me. 

I crawled into her bed, and lay there silently. And I could feel her. She was still here. I could hear her voice. I could smell her scent. And I felt her warmth as she cuddled beside me under the soft white comforter. 

“Mum” she sighed, “I don’t think I’ll ever leave you” 

“What do you mean?” 

“Staying here with you. I love it. I’m never going to leave you” she whispered, as she dozed off. 

Pink walls, teal lampshades, pink sheets, teal pillows, pink rug and teal curtains. My baby loved pink. She’d insisted on getting it all done in pink, when moved in. Derek painted the walls, and I helped decorate her room.

“Sometimes I feel lonely.” Lia confessed, “I feel like I’m caught in a sand storm, and that no one can get to me. No one can save me. And that I’ll just fade away like sand”. 

“Aw baby, that’ll never happen.” I reassured her, combing my finger through her hair, “I’ll be there. I’ll always be there for you”. 

I had promised her that I would always be there for her. She knew that. She knew that I’d always be there for her. 

“Mum…mum…MUM!” Lia tugged at my sleeve.

I’d fallen asleep in her bed. Lifting myself off the bed, I slumped down beside her bedside table. 

“Why? Why couldn’t you talk to me?” I asked aloud, hitting the table. 

“I was here. I was always here” I screamed out, smashing the teal lampshade against the wall. 

“You said you’d never leave me”, I pushed the white bedside table over, I continued kicking at it, “you said you’d never leave me”. It was as though I’d let it all sink into me, and a storm had been birthed. I grabbed any item I came across and smashed it onto the floor, “why?”. 

Derek pushed open the door and raced towards me. 

“Maddie stop. Maddie… Madeleine please stop” he ordered holding me in place. 

“I can’t. I can’t. It hurts too much Derek. It hurts”. 

“I know” Derek nodded, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry”. 

“I don’t understand…we were happy weren’t we? The three of us”. 

“We were” he comforted, pulling me closer, “we were happy”. 

Guilt –

“What’d I do wrong? Where’d I go wrong?” I questioned, scrubbing the sink. 

“You didn’t do anything wrong, Maddie”, he began, “now enough with the cleaning”. 

“I don’t think I did enough” I repeated under my breath, “I clearly didn’t do enough”. 

My fingers were soar, blushing red, they were covered in blisters. The soap stung like burning splinters, as I scrubbed away at the sink. 

“You were a good mother” Derek said, “it’s just life. Life caught up with her…”.

I felt my insides light up like an pile of old rubber tires drenched in gasoline. Blistering shots of unspeakable pain escalated within me, as the world grew louder, my ears began to cry from the shrill ringing I heard. 

I slapped him. The sound cut through the thick fog of despair that surrounded us. 

“Life? Life caught up with her? What the hell do you mean Derek?”. It disgusted me. He disgusted me. The way he’d walked past her death, so calmly. Was this his way of grieving? 

“We don’t always understand our children. They have their own minds.”, he explained, “Lia did too”. 

“I understood her. Don’t you dare tell me I didn’t know my own daughter”.

“Is that so, Maddie? Because I don’t think you noticed any warning signs” he yelled, slamming his palm against the face of the kitchen table. 

“Warning signs? Lia was happy. You would’ve known if you weren’t working all the time” I spat back, “you were never here for her. Or me”. 

It was true. Derek and I hadn’t always had an easy marriage. He’d left us once, cheated on me. I’d forgiven him and we’d gone to counseling, where we both agreed to compromise and make an effort for this marriage. And a part of me sunk like a sack of bricks thrown into a frosty lake, as I knew how it had affected Lia. She needed the both of us. She was only a child.

“You know what” I wiped my hands dry on the kitchen serviette, “I don’t think this is working out”. 

He was silent. With a blank face he stood up and took my hand in his,”Madeleine…”.

“We need a break.” I answered not being able to look him directly in the eye, “I do Derek” I affirmed, embracing him. 

Hope 

Lia was my baby. Soft-spoken, kind and polite, she always kept to herself. She was bubbly and friendly, and she was the most caring person I knew. She was beautiful and patient. She loved me dearly. 

I watered the flowers in the garden. Lilies, marigolds, white roses and daisies. They were all her favourite. Especially the magnolias. Ever so delicate. Ever so precious. My Magnolia would forever grow beside me. 

My Lia. Oh how she loves me. 

By Kisavi Jayawardena