A mother’s sorrow tastes like salt

A sea of salt. A green sea of salt. Salt. Just salt. That’s it. 

That’s what it tasted like. Salt shuffling down my throat. Surfing through the walls within me. Sharp silver grains of salt cut through my flesh. Burrowing through, digging deeper and deeper into the ground. I wasn’t necessarily in pain. Had I gotten used to this unbearable sensation? For I no longer felt any pain. All I tasted was salt. It was just uncomfortable. My body felt sore all over and within, and I felt the whole of my insides burn alive as though I’d chugged a can of acid. A can of acidic salt.  Salt. 

A mother’s sorrow tasted like salt. 

A mother’s only wish is to love. To love her children completely, entirely and wholeheartedly. To feel her children hold onto her hand. To see her children walk for the very first time. To hear her children call for her. To feel their warmth when they hugged her. To see them rest in her lap, and hear them narrate their days to her. To feel the comfort of their kisses, and the love that radiated from their touch. And that one word. That one word every mother yearned to be called. Mum. A mother’s only wish is to see her children grow. Grow up healthy, grow up strong and grow up to be kind. To see them walk, run, laugh and live to their fullest. To see them happy.  

And that’s all I wanted. 

I had never feared dying as much as I did that afternoon, Katie. When I was first told that the surgery hadn’t worked, and that the cancer had spread to my chest cavity and lungs. I couldn’t breathe. 

I couldn’t breathe. Not because of the animalistic cancer that crawled within the walls of my chest. But because I knew then, that I would never get to see you grow up. I knew then and there, that I’d never get to hold you in my arms again, Katie. Oh how much it hurts for me to write this. I wish there was a better way. I wish that there was a better way for you to hear my heart. My heart that cried for you. My heart that only longed for you, my dear child. 

I think I’m a selfish person, Katie. I’m selfish and I’m greedy. I’m selfish because I can’t leave you. I’m selfish because I don’t want to. I’m selfish because my stubborn heart refuses to let you go. I’m greedy because I want you. I want you Katie. I want to be a part of your life. I want to watch you grow up. I want to send you off to college. I want to comb and clip your hair back on the day of your wedding. I want that, Katie. But I know I can’t hold on. I know that this cancer within me, will only grow. I know it. And that’s why I’m a coward. That’s why I’m helpless. 

I’m sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough. I’m sorry I wasn’t brave enough. I’m sorry I couldn’t endure enough for you. I’m sorry for leaving you my child. I’m sorry I got weak. And I’m sorry I got sick. I’m sorry I didn’t fight enough to be with you, darling. I’m so sorry, my baby girl. 

And as the days pass by, like the winds of sorrow drifting past me. I felt it. That salt. That horrible, dreadful salt. I tasted it. And I felt it fill my insides. I felt heavy. And I felt like I’d sink into the earth. Sink deep into the dark pits of the earth, unable to breath and unable to speak. Unable to call for you. Unable to touch you. Unable to embrace you, Katie. 

Death had never scared me as much as it did now. Writing this letter to you, my daughter is one of the most horrid experiences I’ve gone through. The only thing ever so frightful and unbearable about death to a mother, was that she’d have to leave her children behind. And I’d have to leave you behind. My baby. 

The fear of the unknown. The fear of not knowing if they’d eaten. If they slept well. If they’re taking care of themselves. The fear of not being able to cradle my babies, when they cry. The fear of not being able to comfort you, Katie. Not be able to reach out and brush your hair. Not be able to tell you just how much I love you. Oh how much I love you, Katie. 

And one of the many dreads a mother may bury deep within, unable to dare touch upon that fear is not getting to be a part of her children’s lives. Not getting to hear them call out for her. Not getting to feel their warmth from their hugs. Not getting to brush her fingers through their hair as she comforts them. Not getting to hold them as they cry out for her. Not getting to help them. Not getting to watch her children grow up. 

I hope you never forget just how much I love you. I hope you never forget how much I appreciate you. Your sense of humour and your kindness. I hope you never forget to laugh. And I hope you take care of yourself. I hope you never look back and despise me. 

For all I can do now is hope. I hope you grow up to be much more stronger than I ever was. I hope you grow up to be much braver than I ever was. I hope you blossom into the incredibly smart and beautiful woman I know you are. My sweet Katie. 

I wish for you to graduate, and to study whatever it is your heart desires for. And I know that one day, you will find a man who will be by your side, and will love you completely, entirely and wholeheartedly. And I know that you too will love him, for you are the kindest I’ve met. This belief. This hope is what puts my mind aslt rest, as the days get closer. You’re my sweet baby. You’re going to love someone else one day. You too will hold the same love I have for you, with your heart for someone else. For a child of your own. And I want you to know that you will be a wonderful mother. I have no doubt about that, Katie. 

I hope you remember my love, me dear. I hope you remember my face. I hope you remember my scent. And I hope you remember my voice. 

For I will call out to you again, Katie. I will one day be able to embrace you again. To hug you and kiss you, my child. I will one day be able to do that. And that’s what I will look forward to. Knowing that I will meet you once more, gives me so much comfort. I look forward to hearing you call me “mum” again. To hear your footsteps rush towards me. To feel your hands, much smaller than mine, mold into my palm. To feel your soft lips smile against my face. And to hear your laugh. I will meet you again, my baby. And my love for you will remain within my heart. I love you now and I will love you then. I will never stop loving you. Even when my heart stops in time, the love I hold for you will remain and continue to flower and flourish. For this is the purest form of love I have ever known. This love will last for eternity. 

A mother’s love. 

By Kisavi Jayawardena